it's all coming to a head

I've got about a month left in the USA before i go to germany for three whole months. Before that month is over, I will have finished school for the year, watched my step-brother graduate college. and attended my sister's wedding.

I'ts going to be a busy month. Also in May, I will buy a suit, and find out whether I will return to South Dakota in the fall, or move to Ohio to go to school. I also get to make a loan to my roomates of some $500, that will be repaid to me immediately, so that they can get a new computer.

It's all in the details, so I've got to pay closer attention to them, yes?


Posted by daniel at 06:22 | Comments (0)



I wrote:

Know this-
I am mature enough to understand these words, and strong enough to live with their consequences:

(I then printed that poem that I already wrote down, two entries ago)

and signed it after pleading that she respond to me before I fly out to Germany fo rthe summer.

she'll get the letter tomorrow, and I don't know what she will do.

I mean, I only told her that I love her, and miss her, and want to spend all the rest of my time on this earth with her.


Posted by daniel at 13:47 | Comments (0)


bang on

oh, yeah. today I find out whether I can accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour. I will also find out if I can still breathe, and whether I can commit acts of petty larceny.

I have a picture in my head of the person I want to be, and that person is not who I am right now.

Maybe that's why I still have suicidal tendencies.

I still haven't gone on to send off that poem I wrote to the girl I love, and I don't know why I'm holding back. what harm can words do? they are simple words, plain ones, but packed with meaning and history--they make me afraid. I fear my hopes and dreams WILL come true, and my days will be long and full of happiness, because I have thought for the longest time that I do not deserve happiness, or love, or a dream woman by my side.

I'll say it again, I don't think love is as major a step as marraige. people fall in love all the time, but not all of them get married.

I'm going to write it in a letter, and send my love poem in the morning. I've had time to think it over, and I only hope she likes what she reads.

Posted by daniel at 08:27 | Comments (0)


there's a hole there's a hole

I want to know by replies I may get with this entry whether love letters matter to a girl at all. Do gentle happy flattering words on paper in all graciousness make a difference in turning her stone heart to love? I have given her poems, and snippets from songs that relate the two of us so well. I believe that if I were her, I would be head over heels in loooorve with me by now. We met about a 8 weeks ago, before I went on a trip across the country, and I sent her postcards during my journey. Her phone has been disconnected, and I have no way to get ahold of her! I hate this madness! I will write another letter, a poem this time:

I sit in silence, I feel the guilt
My mind is racing but my heart stands still.
I never thought I'd still be here
After all these years.
I still love you

I still remember the words I chose
They cut inside me; they wound my soul.
I never thought I'd make mistakes.
This is all in vain.
I still love you

I've tried distractions, the only hurt.
I hear your laughter when the world's absurd.
Have all these mem'ries been in vain
After all this pain?

I should add that I went to school with her years ago, and now I have found her again after all this time. In high school we had good times, we had the same firends all thru our stay at that school, I had a MAD crush on her then, but abscence has only made my heart grow fonder (that old saying, uh, yeah. it's true). I wrote another entry on her and my quandary, for I cannot stress enough how much I care for this girl.

I was in cub scouts with her brother, for chrissakes!! she and my sister used to entertain themselves at camp while I and all the boys would do cub scout things. she has always been cute, and odd, almost as though she was exposed at a very young age to something only adults do (or see). She used to draw little faces on my fingertips. We would go as a group out to the woods near the stream by the school in the sumertime. WE'd watch old pink floyd viddees, we made home movies together....

It's not a crush if you've been dreaming of being in her arms for 6 YEARS, IS IT?? no, it can't be, not that, it can't be that no.

I think I might just let go of the last bit of happy sanity I've got left under my skullcap
if I found "it's only a crush," "let her go," "she just doesn't care"

I think I would embrace madness if those words passed my ears.

yes. after that, I would be comfortable being loopy all the time. permaloopy

yes. that's me.


Posted by daniel at 08:17 | Comments (0)


I got to vote today

I think that what I voted will go down as the things that the city passed. I doubt my pick for mayor is the one who gets to be mayor, but it was nice to vote.

It's catching, I think I'll do it again.

In November.

Posted by daniel at 20:04 | Comments (0)


i wish

philip morris didn't have such a stranglehold on my addiction.

Maybe I'll start buying camels again. or better yet, Kamel reds!

yes, they are the debonair stylee punksmoke of the aughts!


Posted by daniel at 01:55 | Comments (0)


it's over

So I know this great girl, I went to high school with her, and I just ran into her about a month ago after not seeing her for over 5 years. Damn, she looked good.

She's the girl who I obsessed over when I had been out of HS for a couple years, and didn't know which way my life was going. I used her as a guide. I just thought that if I could make myself good enough for her, that she would have me and hold me for her own, and we would fall in love and live happily ever after. I began to lose weight, I went back to college, I held onto my job (going on a year now), and I tried my best to become what any woman might consider an eligible bachelor.

I thought she would be the one who I could spend the rest of my life with, and she just disappeared before I could tell her my feelings.

I called her number, but it's been disconnected. I think I will drive to her house, but I think that's WAY too overbearing. she DID invite me to her place once. it is 40 miles away.......

I need to find her. I must FIND HER!!


Posted by daniel at 01:50 | Comments (0)